‘Pretty Hopeless’ Patel, our esteemed Home Secretary, has launched a new initiative to try and curb illegal immigration by the boat people coming across the Channel from France.

To refresh our memories, this form of illegal immigration has been blighting our shores for as long as I can remember. On their long and arduous journey from foreign fields, they will have passed through a number of countries, all of which claim enlightenment and a new way of life, but by all accounts nowhere near as attractive as a new way of life in this sceptred isle, with free housing and income support and free schooling; in short, if it’s free, it’s on offer.

No fault of ‘Pretty Useless’, but she has had no cooperation whatsoever from the countries that these immigrants trek through on their journey to Calais, and so long as they keep trekking, no questions are asked and no help given.  It’s called kicking the can down the road.

It’s when they reach the Channel, with their boats and their smuggler escorts ready to relieve them of obscene amounts of money, that ‘Pretty Useless’ should stand up and be counted, because, as we all know, many cross without challenge.  Each boatload contains as least one pregnant woman and two infants to increase their chances of a warm British welcome, and as the statistics show, once taken into the care and custody of the authorities, they are all but home and dry (if you’ll forgive the pun.)

But never to be accused of doing nothing, ‘Pretty Useless’ came up with a real vote winner.  In short, the illegals would be taken to the last outposts of the Empire, with the two front runners being Gibraltar and the Isle of Man.  Once settled in, they would be processed, with the favoured few given permanent residence in the UK, and the dross returned from whence they came.  Brilliant!

I could see various problems, the first and most obvious being that she and her staff had failed to consult the first ministers of these outposts of her devillishly cunning plan, and when asked, the first minister of Gibraltar, to name but one, was less than enthusiastic.  In short, it was a non starter, and to put it bluntly, the plan found no favour at all with the government of Spain or with the Barbary apes who had lived on the Rock for generations.  And then there were the logistics of flying boatloads of illegals into their temporary new homes, yet to be built, courtesy of Fly in Fear or Squeezy Jet, to be told at the airport that they did not have the proper entry permits and must therefore be returned to the UK forthwith.

The obvious solution would be to persuade Monsieur Grenouille to take them back from whence they came, but it’s been tried before, and frankly, the illegals are not welcomed.  Far better to let the British sort it out.

I see no prospect for an early solution, despite assurances from ‘Pretty Useless’ and her cohorts.  I sense an imminent vacancy in Cabinet, but she won’t go without a fight.