Am I alone in being bored rigid with the inquest into Diana’s death some ten years ago? I’ve lost count, but is this the fifth or sixth inquest to be held on the same topic? And besides, this interminable washing of dirty linen in public is so un-British, which is perhaps why it’s being orchestrated by some absolutely ghastly Egyptian shopkeeper of dubious antecedents throwing large wedges of hot, sweaty money at an overpaid team of poodles all prancing to his tune. Of course, like countless others, I was deeply affected by the death of Diana and her companions at the time, but ten years on, does anybody give a rat’s crap for all these conspiracy theories being peddled about like shoddy goods at a car boot sale?

But whilst these conspiracy theories continue to make the front page of the Daily Express for the edification of their long suffering readers, what about the conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Cock Robin? The Daily Express is silent on the matter, which I find disgraceful, and a blatant example of selective journalism.

Talk about ten years! This conspiracy theory has been around since 1744, and still no answer in sight. It simply doesn’t ring true, and I for one would like a fresh inquest into Robin’s untimely demise. A brief examination of the facts gives rise to serious disquiet. The confession of the Sparrow was all too convenient, and besides, how many sparrows have you seen flying around with a bow and arrow? And did he have a solicitor present at the time? I think not. Again, we are told, there was only one witness, that being the Fly, who admitted that he saw the dastardly act with his “little” eye. On any view, an unimpressive witness! There was also some talk at the time of a blinding flash of light just before Cock Robin met his grisly end – was this investigated? And if so, why the silence? Has there been a monstrous cover up masterminded by the Powers that Were, with the active connivance of the Secret Service? These questions and more need to be answered, and now!

Finally, there was an ugly rumour down in the woods that Cock Robin was considering a romantic attachment to a wholly unsuitable feathered friend from over the hill and far away, not one of us if you catch my drift, and the Kite, the Linnet, the Dove and the Lark, to name but a few, had warbled their vocal opposition to the union. All very sinister! There’s more to this conspiracy theory than meets the Fly’s “little” eye!

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David is an English barrister, writer, public performer and keynote speaker. His full profile can be found on his website.

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